No Form Without Function: A Fashionable Junction
Graphic by Jack Connell
I LOVE ACCESSORIES!!! I know you love them too. What an unbelievably beautiful, BROAD label to put on anything that isn’t a garment of necessity.
Belt?... Accessory!
Nose piercing?... Accessory!
Leaky hydro-flask?... Accessory!
Tomagotchi pet?... It counts!
They’re great, they’re useful and I can’t stop buying them no matter how many bracelets are spilling off my bedside table… But enough with the unfettered praise; let’s go deeper. What constitutes an accessory as an outlier from the infamous label of “clothes?”
God I’m glad you asked. Here’s my accessory mantra:
Accessories and their labeling as such may ebb and flow through and between a spectrum of pure utility and bodily decor. Accessories may be a perfect semblance of both, or stray far to one side or the other, but at least ONE of these distinctions must be present. Above all, they must be, in technicality, unnecessary for basic clothing and even stylistic needs.
As a continuation of this completely necessary case study of accessories, I will subject my own set of everyday items to scrutiny. Found below is the focal point of this study, what I have dubbed the Spectrum of Utility and Decor, or the SUD Scale.
Each accessory will fall on a different portion of the SUD Scale, and by the end of this cutting-edge study we will together have a greater understanding of something for sure. Whether or not that ‘something’ is that I want an excuse to show you all my favorite things is up for debate…
Accessory #1 - Snap Button Wallet
I got this bad-boy three years ago at the Rose Bowl flea market and GOD I have never had a more trusty item before. We’ve been through so much together, and over all these years it’s not only held my massive amounts of cash, but a piece of my soul too. It was like 20 dollars and comes with a badass chain, just in case anyone tries to rob me (I don’t blame them based on the colossal amount of money in there). Anyway, we’re starting off pretty strong, folks. The utility is high, but not overflowing; this wallet’s long-time loyalty has been great, but I’d trade that any day for it to have an extra pocket or two. Decor-wise we’re gonna go somewhere in the middle; I’ve always loved the flames, but as of recently I’ve been yearning for more positive iconography in my life going forward… Perhaps a wallet with bubbles or dandelions will be next. CHECK OUT THE SUD SCALE!!!
Accessory #2 - Swiss Army Watch
Honestly if you don’t have a watch at this point I have two words and one punctuation mark for you: GROW UP! Not only does this vessel of eternal knowledge live on the most accessible part of my body (left wrist), I feel like a real grown-up whenever I check the time in line at Strada. But enough about watches in general, I’m not here to convince you to get one - only to convince you that mine is amazing. A sterling silver body, rose gold interior with a delicate mechanical frame made in Geneva, Switzerland, Ostrich leather strap and a calibration to the microsecond. These are just a few features that many great watches may have, but absolutely not mine. Mine leaves my wrist kind of green and has to be reset every few days, but I love it more than life. It’s got a decently low decor score to be honest; if you asked a child to draw a watch this is the exact one they’d draw, I guarantee it. Honestly SPECTACULAR utility though, I can’t tell you how amazing it is to know the time without having to also look at my twitter notifications.
Accessory #3 - Senile Nalgene
You’d think this absolute RELIC would have been a family heirloom from my great-great grandfather with mountains of history that would put the Byzantine Empire to shame, but I’ll let you all in on a little secret: this water bottle is like a year old. This poor bottle has been thrown, trampled, rolled and dropped from obscene heights - I truly cannot believe it hasn’t grown legs to escape my interminable wrath. Have you ever seen pictures of soldiers contrasted before and after war? Marie Antoinette Syndrome, they call it… and this bottle has a bad case. The sticker on the side used to say Deftones, and now it says something like D҉e҉f҉t҉o҉n҉e҉s҉. Utility-wise I could not be happier with this water bottle; it stores water, can basically stop a bullet, and contains far less lead than a Stanley (none)! Decor is where it starts to go downhill. Sometimes it feels like I’m carrying around a carcass of some dead animal, but if it ain't broke…
Accessory #4 - Saint Christopher Necklace
Y’all, I’m not religious. I truly couldn’t tell you the difference between David and Goliath, I just know they don’t like each other. This necklace has a saint on it and his name is Chris. He’s got a cool walking stick and is giving a kid a piggyback ride, and despite all the evil things that Christianity promotes, that’s a message I can get behind! What a great guy! I bought this necklace from that little jewelry shop in Berkeley where you have to crouch like a little goblin to get around, and I’m quite happy that I did! On the back it says Saint Christopher Protects Us, which is kind of uninspired, I think. I would have written something like “God is wise to piggy back rides!” or “Kid gave his ankle a twist, gets home safe thanks to Saint Chris!” Anyway, not much utility on this one. In fact, nearly every time I ride my bike with this necklace this giant slab of bronze will, at least once, whip up and smash into my poor teeth. It looks fire, and thank GOD it does (topical). By now you can probably infer what the SUD scale will be, but I still wanted to make the graph.
Accessory #5 - Oakley Sunglasses
Alright, now we’re getting to PEAK! Dude, these glasses are the best and they make me look like some alien bug species. I’m like 90% sure they’re children’s glasses, but they hug my face like a vice grip which is perfect for doing things requiring such heft, such as flips and somersaults, which I do many of periodically throughout the day. I thrifted these myself and when I tell you I SHRIEKED at the sight of them. Twenty-five dollars and they were mine, and if I ever lose them I will have a full-fledged FUNERAL for them. Talk about a perfect mesh of utility and decor; these are small, compact, block out the sun, and make my eyes look SO freaky. ‘Nuff said, here’s the graph you’ve been waiting for, read it and weep.
Edit: As of 03/06/2025 these glasses are broken in half because I sat on them. I’m crying as I write this. You know what they say about too much of a good thing…
Accessory #6 - Osprey Backpack
You know what everyone, I tried. I tried tote bags, I tried shoulder bags, briefcases and satchels. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING comes close to the absolute utility powerhouse that a backpack is and always will be. As cool and esoteric as I feel with a nice shoulder bag, by the end of the day it feels as though I will have to live with a single working shoulder for the rest of my life. My load is HEAVY. I’ve got things to carry - items you’ve never even heard of before in there, and a backpack reaches its perfectly weight-distributed, graceful hand out to me from the bottomless abyss of shoulder pain. What I’m trying to say is that I know it’s not a Birkin, but it’s workin’ - feel free to use that. This bag has seen a multitude of continents; it’s seen deep canyons and lofty mountains and rarely a washing machine. I plan on showing it the whole world before it disintegrates upon my back. I think it looks pretty cool, but let’s be real, it doesn’t have the avant garde sex appeal of a satchel, and that’s okay. Utility score for this one would be off the chart if I could make it so, but “off the chart” is really hard to portray on a chart.
Accessory #7 - Big Ass Belt
This belt really isn’t that big, I just wanted to alliterate a bit. My father bestowed this upon me and lord does it make me feel like a conniving, swashbuckling pirate outlaw - if conniving, swashbuckling pirate outlaws ever wore Urban Outfitters jorts. It’s gotta be about double my size, on my waist like a leathery boa constrictor with metal studs for scales. I’ve worn this belt almost every day since I can remember, and it has held up an almost innumerable amount of different pants. This belt has incredible utility, as most do- I can’t even begin to think of a greater invention that looks cool and also lets me wear any size of pants without fail; it feels like a cheat code.
Accessory #8 - Keys
Pretty self explanatory, these keys do what they’re supposed to do: let me in my house whenever I want! You would think with such a simple design there would be no flaws of utility… but allow me to explain myself. There’s a little knife on these keys that is SO clutch for box-opening, stick whittling and/or tooth picking, which would seem like a staple of practicality right? WRONG. It’s gotten slightly looser over the years, and will open in my pocket at the most inconvenient times; those times being when I want to grab my keys and do not feel like being impaled through the palm of my hand. Now you, reader, may think me a buffoon for leaving this faulty blade on such a quotidian, everyday object as my keys, and I am here to tell you: you’re probably right. I’m not sure why I don’t have the heart to take it off; it may be sentimentality, or maybe stubbornness, or quite possibly the fact that I KNOW the day I take it off is the day that someone will ask “Does anyone have a tiny little knife I can use for this tiny little thing I have to cut?” And THAT, my friends, is what terrifies me most. Anyway, let’s get to it. These keys are so dope and I love them - but I do NOT love being fileted every time I reach into my back pocket. Low utility and astounding decor! Who would’ve thought?
To (finally) Conclude
My loyal readers- this study has been absolutely astonishing in many ways; the bottom line being that I have slightly too much time on my hands, second only to the fact that I have far too many accessories. I was delighted, and albeit quite surprised, to find out that I view my accessories to lean closer to function rather than form.
Whether it’s a tooth-shattering necklace or a water-bottle on death’s door, my most used accessories, when read into, become more than just stylistically performative, they become tools.
The majority of these items continue to be enveloped in my own personal tangible zeitgeist due to their utility. In other, less pompous words, they see more overall use if they serve a purpose first, then fill a secondary role of performance. This, above all, is why they remain fixed in my accessory rotation.
Yes I made all of these and YES I do commissions. Hit me up.
